Communication Is Key in BDSM

Clear communication is imperative to practicing healthy BDSM. Safewords are standard fare in this type of play and a major element that differentiates BDSM from abuse.

A ​safe word is a word or phrase that signals that one of the players either wishes to take a break or stop completely. An example of a safeword might be “red,” “banana”—or any other thing you wouldn't normally say during sex or in the context of a scene.

Additionally, if a Submissive is gagged or a Dominant’s hearing is impaired, safe signals can be used instead. This could be a gesture or something the Submissive holds in their hand and drops signaling their wish to pause the scene.

Communication is the single most important aspect in BDSM. I don't care if you're only into spankings by strangers or you're in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. Nothing in BDSM should ever happen without plenty of communication first.

What Does Communication Look and Sound Like?

"I really don't like it when you touch me there."

"I'm not interested in [fill in the blank with your most hated activity or fetish]."

"I liked it when you kissed my neck, but when you bit me. It hurt, and I didn't like it."

"I'm allergic to latex."

"I have asthma."

The philosophy that you need to tell your partner everything isn't just hype. This isn't just about building a strong relationship or finding the love of your life (although both are certainly byproducts of good communication). Speaking up and sharing details about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, what you think, and your health impact your experience in BDSM.

If you're thinking that some details are simply too personal to share, remember that this person will most likely see you completely naked while you're drooling, sweating, writhing, and screaming. How much more personal can you get than that?

Communicate Your Needs

Both sides, top and bottom, Dominant and submissive, must be able to communicate their

needs to one another. This lets you know if you're compatible. A sadist needs to know if the other person is a masochist. Before you tie someone up with rope, you should know if your partner has poor circulation or any type of anxiety when they can't move freely.

Sometimes the result of this communication is that you learn you don't want to play with that person. Sometimes the result is that you decide to do other activities together. BDSM is not a one-sided event. Two (or more) people are involved and every one should have their needs met, but no one can magically know what you need and what you want.

Put aside your concern about hurting your partner's feelings. As long as you treat the other with respect while you tell them what worked or didn't, a mature person will be able to handle it. The only way for both people to enjoy what's happening is to know what gets you off ­ and, when something new is tried, what doesn't.

Communicate Your Boundaries

There are just some things people don't like. Me? I don't like rocky road ice cream (I know, some of you are gasping in shock). So when it's time to pick a flavor, I tell people. If not, I might get handed a cone of rocky road and be miserable. That's a simplified comparison, but if you've ever been offered ice cream and then found out it wasn't a flavor you like, you know the disappointment.

I don't like golden showers or scat play. Body fluids gross me out. So, before I engage in BDSM activities with a new partner, I tell them. If I don't make it clear that I don't like that kind of play, I might be in for a big surprise at some point ­ and not find it sexy, erotic, or satisfying. Who wants kinky sex or BDSM play that's unsatisfying? What would be the point? Yet, that's what you get when you don't tell someone about your hard limits.

The good thing about communication in BDSM, ­ especially when you set limits, ­ is that you can always go back later and change your mind. If you're consistently communicating with your partner, you can tell them that you've given a previous hard limit, say ball gags, further thought, and you would like to try it. Simply because you've set a limit at one point doesn't mean you can't change your mind about it later. ­ You simply have to communicate with your partner about it.

Trust and Intimacy

What does communication get you other than fun and kinky BDSM play? It builds trust and intimacy between you and your partner. When you're talking to one another in a meaningful way about your wants, your needs, your desires, what worked, what didn’t work, and your boundaries, you learn more about each other than you ever thought possible.

Baring your soul to another human being is empowering and uplifting. It brings you closer to that person. Knowing that they are communicating in the same way and sharing the smallest details of who they are brings you together. Not everyone who engages in BDSM play is looking for a love connection or a long­ term partnership, but the effects are the same whether you're communicating with your spouse, your significant other, or your favorite kinkster at the local club. You've built a strong bond between you that you might not experience with anyone else in your life.

Safewords and Control

For anyone new to the BDSM lifestyle, you might be surprised to know that bottoms and

submissives have more control than you realize. A good Dominant or top will never violate a hard limit that has been communicated to them. They also won't engage in new activities until they've talked to their bottom or submissive about them, either.

Communicating boundaries and hard limits is one aspect of the control a submissive has; the other is the use of safe words. A safe word is a word or phrase that, when used, means all play should stop immediately. Some people use a color system. Green means keep going; yellow means slow down; and red means stop. Other people use words and phrases that don't make sense in the context of the scene. Pineapple, purple elephant, or rocky road ice cream, ­ your safe word can be anything you want it to be. Make sure everyone in the scene knows it. If a submissive or bottom will be unable to verbally communicate during a scene, a hand signal of some sort should be in place.

Safe words help communicate a feeling of danger, unpleasant pain, or other feelings and sensations that mean the play or scene needs to immediately stop. Dominants and tops watch their play partners closely during a scene in order to avoid going too far or causing pain and distress. It can still happen. Using a safe word is not something to be ashamed of and no one should ever be made to feel bad for needing to use it. If a safe word is used repeatedly in scenes and other play, you need to talk to each other about what the underlying problem may be ­whether it's a physical pain, a fear, a worry, or a hard limit you didn't know about.

One Final Thought on Communication

If consent is the key to BDSM in general, ­ then communication is the essential first step. You cannot consent to anything without first talking about it in some way. Throughout a scene, kinky play, or a relationship, you must continue to communicate so that no one ever questions whether there's consent for an activity or not. If you don't like something, you have a responsibility to tell your partner. No one is a mind reader, and you will only get out of BDSM what you put into it. Set aside your fears of rejection and ridicule and openly discuss what you enjoy, what interests you, your fantasies, your desires, your needs, your wants, and yes, the things you really don't like, are afraid of, or consider outside of your boundaries. Only then can you experience the full beauty and eroticism of BDSM.

our Kink Isn't My Kink (but Your Kink Is OK)

In the kinky world of BDSM, you may see an extremely long, slightly strange acronym from time to time: YKINMKBYKIOK (or some variation). Looks crazy, doesn't it? It stands for a simple concept:

You kink isn't my kink, but your kink is OK.

Let me clarify by saying that this pre­supposes that none of the kinky activities are illegal, involve minors or animals, and that everyone involved consents.

An Open and Welcoming Community

This is the real world where not everyone likes everyone else for a variety of reasons.

Unfortunately, too many people dislike others because of their skin color, gender, sexuality, culture, and yes, even their kinks. Kinksters know what it feels like to hide their desires, worry about legal problems, and deal with rejection from friends and family. Because of this, the BDSM community, for the most part, is an open and accepting group. Even if we aren't into the same kinks, we know exactly how it feels to be kinky in a vanilla world.

That being said, in any group you will find people who don't always follow this idea of acceptance. Don't be one of those people. It's okay not to enjoy or even want certain fetishes and kinky play. It's okay to tell your partner that some forms of play are hard limits. It's never okay to judge someone because they play differently than you do.

Remember the Golden Rule

The best line I ever read about kink­shaming is pretty simple. "Don't yuck my yum." It’s like the golden rule for kinksters.

Remember, all that matters in BDSM is safety, consent, and communication. What happens between consenting adults is between them. Outside opinions are not needed or wanted. Feel free to express your dislike or discomfort for an act or a scene. That's your right. Don't attempt to make someone feel bad for enjoying something you find distasteful.

Think about this: as someone who is interested in exploring BDSM, you may find that friends and family wonder about your sanity, your morals, and your ethics because, unfortunately, kinksters are often looked upon as sexual deviants. Don’t treat a fellow kinkster the same way simply because they're into scat play, golden showers, or some other fetish or kink you don't like or understand. Treat others as you wish to be treated worked when you were younger, and it works now.

For the most part, people in the BDSM community will welcome you with open arms regardless of your personal kinks. Make sure you extend the same courtesy to others.