Before I go into details and answer your question, I’d like to give some notes so anyone who doesn’t know anything could also get something out of this.
*Disclaimer*
Please note that BDSM play only and exclusively happens consensually. People who involve in any kind of act will have a detailed conversation and make a contract to agree upon acts that will be applied. There is no BDSM act without agreement or otherwise it is called an abuse or rape.
If you don’t know the terms let me make a brief explanation.
Bondage
Bondage comes in various forms and uses various materials, ropes, tapes, chains, cuffs and such to restrain masochist or more commonly the submissives. It is done to limit the movements or for the aesthetic reasons.
Discipline
The mistresses or the masters otherwise the Dominants make commands to their submissives to act as they wish and when they don’t obey properly they will be disciplined or punished. Discipline also means to train the subs to act in certain ways the Dominants wish.
Sadism
Sadistics or the Dominants use various discipline to infilict pain and/or take absolute control of their submissives (subs) to feel pleasure. Dominants are aroused by sadistic acts, May it be physical by whipping, flogging, pinching etc, or psychologically by verbal humiliation, chastity or vibrators placed in their genitals when going out in the public. These are few examples, if you are interested in more details please google.
Masochism
Masochist or more commonly used Submissives /slaves / pets are those who feel pleasure and turned on by being completely controlled by the doms. They feel pleasure serving for the Doms. The trivial fact is that subs ultimately have the last word. Doms can’t do anything that subs won’t let them. There is a safe word to stop all doms acts right away.
Now let me try to answer your question.
Psychology of BDSM
A simple answer is that Bondage, Discipline /Domination, Sadism and Mosochism turns them on.
Freud has said S&M derives from an aberrant psychological development from early childhood. But Freud also said females have two types of orgasms, one to be “immature” caused by clitoris stimulation and the other “mature” caused by penetration, and he was wrong, he had no idea how female body functions. Penetration can contribute to orgasm and some lucky females have very high sensitivity nerves in their vagina that even without touching they can stimulate the clotoris nerves and some others have their clitoris in the perfect place that they get stimulation by penetration and the rest of us needs to stimulate by hand or objects or by certain positions. (Ok, enough anecdotes)
In recent years in the field of psychology and in psychiatry, BDSM is not considered a pathology unless of course if it is causing harm to others or to self and if it is keeping one from living normally. It is just a sexual preference in general cases.
In animal kingdom including humans which live in an organized society or groups, there is always the Dominants and the dominated. There probably is an innate trait to the preference but it is very difficult to investigate them on a scientific level. There are many studies conducted by universities but bdsm practitioners tend do hide their tendencies from the public eye and it is very difficult to make an empirical studies on them yet. Although few studies have claimed that bdsm practitioners have better mental health but you need to take these results with caution since we do not know if it represents the general public since they are only volunteers.
Let’s talk about sexuality. Adults often hate to relate sex and children, because we think children as an innocent being free from sexuality, but in fact kids are very sexual beings. Although they do not express their sexual feelings in a way adults do since they do not understand the concept of sex yet, but when you observe how children act around those they are attracted to, you’ll notice their desires. Sex is a major thing in life and children learn and absorb and explore the world to become a fully functioning adult but on the animalistic level, reproduction is an innate act and it is absurd to think that kids are not learning about their sexuality. Now this in mind, let’ move on to the next subject. (You might be looking for a short answer but I feel the necessities to go in depths)
My first masturbation was some time around the age of 3, it happened by accident, the sensation of the shower in the bath made me feel good. At that time I had no idea what it was and I didn’t know anything about sex but, I knew it was something very private that I hid it from everyone especially my parents, if kids were as innocent as we believe, wouldn’t I tell my parents as a trivia? When I became the age of talking about sex and masturbation, I had confessed about my childhood with some friends and to my surprise many men and women had some kind of experience like I did, of course there were others who didn’t but this is why I think it depends on the libido level.
I don’t tell people much about my sexuality since it’s not a public talk but I believe talking about it is very important.
So here comes my theory.
My first experience on bdsm was when I was 17. I was about to go buy a pair of boots, I was walking with my friend towards the shopping mall and this gentleman approached and asked us if we can sell him our boots that we were wearing. My boots were very high and pin healed at the back, and I wanted to get another style in gray. I thought he was a pervert and said no and I kept walking, but my friend said that it was a great opportunity to get two new pairs for nothing, her argument was that we won’t be engaging into any sexual act and that it wasn’t our concern what our boots were going to be used as after being sold. I didn’t like the idea of it, it seemed wrong because I was selling something for someone else’s sexual pleasure. However, we went off into the mall, we bought new pair of boots and when we came out of the mall the man was still there and he came to us again, he asked us very politely and he seemed unthreatening, he asked us how much our boots cost and he said that he’d add 30% to the price we paid for the boots. At that point my friend told me that she was doing it with or without me and when I saw her taking off her boots behind the car and the man counting cash and giving it to her, I thought what’s going to harm? And I ran to them to ask if he’d still take my boots and I sold my boots. While my friend was putting on her new boots 3 meters away, he asked me that my boots would cost more if I let him take a picture of me with a hand in front of the face, I agreed to a hat in front of my face and I had enough to buy two pair of boots. He gave me his business card so I can give him a call when I wanted to sell my shoes.
Shoe business went on for a year or so, as time goes by he’d ask how I was, he was genuinely a nice man, and my parents weren’t that involved in my life in a caring way (or that’s how I felt) that he gave me some kind of reassurance that some adults didn’t seem to give me. When I was comfortable enough, he asked me if I wanted to make more money, and I had enough trust that I asked him what involved, and he said that I just have to kick him and spit on him on camera and he explained that some people get aroused by seeing people get hurt. I was disgusted by the idea that someone would be into this but also I was 18 and kicking and spitting didn’t bother me that much.
The day we were filming, I was nervous I repeatedly made sure that my face wasn’t on camera. He took us into this little room with cameras on the four corners of the room, it was red and there were hand cuffs chained to the floor. It was weird, I felt like I was looking at the society’s secret, but I wasn’t repelled by it, as a matter of fact I was somewhat excited by the vision. The man came in with a black speedo and a red ball gag around his neck and he explained how it was going to happen, he basically asked us to insult, spit and kick every where including his crotch. We tied his wrists and ankles to the cuffs on the floor and put his ball gag in his mouth and he eyed us to start. I was giggling at first but he said that we weren’t kicking hard enough, I was hesitant and I wasn’t sure how hard it was supposed to be and i didn’t want to hurt him either, but he asked us to go harder for the 3rd time and something clicked in my brain, I could feel my eyes changing, I kicked hard repeatedly, spat on him and I realized he had an erection, I stepped on it and insulted him for his perversion and kept going. Suddenly my friend who was the one who was motivated to earn the money left the room crying but it didn’t bother me, I was in another dimension, I realized my panty was wet, so wet that it was dripping to my mid thighs and I couldn’t stop anymore. I kept stepping on the man’s penis until he came and I was sweating from kicking and yelling and all the adrenaline rush. I untied him and gave him a tissue box, and he looked at me in the eyes and said “I knew you had it in you.”
This is how I came to realize I had a dominant tendency. I didn’t know how I could get such pleasure out of this but I was in a trance. My friend never wanted to come to this thing again, she was scared and she felt dirty. But I kept seeing the man because it was the only place I felt accepted as who I truly am, and the only place to enjoy my secret.
Recently, I’ve reconnected with a childhood friend from the international school I was in, we were 5 years old when we used to play, and Jeremie (name changed for obvious reasons) told me a little secret about his sexuality. He remembers how we used to play together, we took tennis class together and we would come to my house to wait for his parents to come pick him up. I’d press the racket on my thighs and It made bumpy patterns and he’d do that all on my body. I wasn’t a prude apparently and would let him do it on my butt cheek until all my body was covered in bumpy racket patterns. He confessed that, this might have left him with a fetish which he gets aroused by patterns projected on female body (he’s an artist) and lace bodysuits. I liked this boy so much back then, especially when he let me pinch him with my nails. We’d do a competition “who can handle more pain,” and I’d always win. I let him pinch me and I loved when he was trying so hard not to hurt me, I’d joke and say it hurt too much and it gave me joy how he felt bad, but when it was my turn and I would pinch him planting my nails slowly into his skin and would go stronger, I’d watch his face turn from a brave boy to a frail boy who’s about to cry. I’d watch his eyes and face turn red but his male ego wouldn’t let him cry but when I stoped he’d cover my nail marks and jump around with his eyes shut. I’d sit with a smile on my face. I loved him so much but I had to hurt him, and the fact that he let me do it made me love him more.
Adding to this, physical punishment was part of my upbringing, my mother would hit me with her hands and her ring would strike my head, or with a stick or a hanger. When I was a teenager, she would humiliate me in front of my peers striking my face for smoking, of course I did something to make her mad by disobedience. She meant well, she’d also say that she wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t for love. But this is also a cultural thing, for my mother and for the older generations in Japan, physical punishment was a part of education, teachers in school would hit children. Nowadays they have changed and it is like in most western countries, we don’t hit children and it’s illegal but times were different and my mother didn’t see it wrong since she grew up that way.
I have a friend who is into bdsm, he’s a dominant, I asked him why he thinks he became this way and he told me that one day he saw his friend getting spanked for being bad and he heard the sound of spanking. He said he felt blood rushing through his body and when he was a teenager, he spanked a girl over his lap and gave him joy.
In my past when I was into this life style, I had a submissive and he was a ceo of a company. In his everyday life he’d control so many people and being a sub gave him some kind of freedom, letting everything go and be controlled put him in trance. There are many men who have a dominant character in real life with submissive characters in bdsm play and others don’t.
Bottom line, everyone is different and everyone had a triggering experience to incline to either side, it seems to me it is very difficult to “know” exactly how one got a certain fetish. It is like asking why you are who you are, sex is just a part of it. There are innate, acquired and adapted characteristics and we can’t define everyone with one reasoning. Some people who had a mother who’d discipline them like I was, might be submissive or they could be dominant.
I don’t think there is a concrete evaluation tool to know exactly how we get into bdsm.
Only thing I can tell you is that, bdsm takes you to another dimension, the pain and pleasure mixed together gives you intense stimuli and it is far more deep than just sex. But of course if you are repelled by the idea, it’s not for you. But I’m sure there’s something that turns you on.
Letting go of shame and being completely vulnerable is so liberating. You should try it sometime!
BDSM is all about power dynamics. It might give the impression that is about taking pleasure in the pain, and off course that’s part of the game, but, for most people, the underlying force that drives them to these activities is the desire to dominate or submit, to be in control or to have someone else in control of yourself.
Even I (who identify more like a masochist than a sub) like pain partly because of the strong sensation, partly because I consider that taking pain from someone you love is some kind of superior form of intimacy, but mainly because pain has the ability to “put me in my place”. So, you see? I’m not that much into serving and Master/slave dynamics, but it’s still about power for me as it is for most BDSM practicioners.
Secondly, we humans are a hierarchical species. We have never lived in a completely egalitarian social organization. No matter how “horizontal” and egalitarian some people want to feel, we kind of have it in our roots. The most primitive part of our brain is the reptile brain, which comprises structures that regulate ritualistic and hierarchical behaviours. Off course the limbic system and the brain cortex have grown on top of the reptile brain, but it hasn’t disappeared. You might even had heard evolutionary psychologist saying that we can trace our hierarchical nature millions of years back to a very ancient ancestor: the lobster.
So, we are a hierarchical species and, from the early childhood, we are exposed to hierarchy and power structures. Our parents, our teachers, and later our bosses, and our civil authorities have power over us.
And this might not be something bad, you know? Most people appreciate having a good leader, a good father, a good teacher. Most people don’t really want to be fully in charge of everything at all times. Rather, we feel safer and better if we have someone who can guide us through the unknown passages of life.
Off course, we expect our guides and leaders to be good, responsible, trustable, and fair. We kind of have that image of a “good leader” a “good king” inside our heads. I dare to say that, when we complain about our authorities (be it a father, a teacher, a governor), it is not that we don’t like to have someone having power over us. It’s rather that we want the people who have power over us to be good rulers.
Sadly, we just need to look at the civil authorities of virtually any country to realise that this is not so often the case.
And not just the government is spoiled. The police, the school system, the church, many families are spoiled.
My theory is that many of us erotize power because we lacked positive authority figures from our early childhood. It could be that our primary authority figures were abusive, or inconsistent, or simply they couldn’t offer us enough valuable guidance, so we never fully trusted them.
And maybe, since having guidance is kind of natural and necessary for our development, we keep striving either to become what our authority figures couldn’t be for us, or to submit to an authority that actually deserves our respect.
In my case, it always caught up my attention that I have ALWAYS had problems with authority. I was always rebellious against religion and incompetent school authorities, I suspect of all governments. I can’t even stand a police officer telling me not to sit on the floor inside a metro station. To this day (when I’m a married and independent woman), my parents keep telling me that I NEVER recognize and respect their authority.
Nevertheless, sexually I behave like this bratty girl that strives to be tamed and brought into quiet submission.
My parents weren’t exactly abusive (although they weren’t saints either), but I can certainly say that, due to one reason or another, I could never find in them the guidance I needed. And I do feel like a subcounscious part of me misses that guidance and would willingly submit to the one who can offer it.
Again, I wouldn’t say this theory comprises any thruth about BDSM, but I do think it comprises a truth about my subjective vision of BDSM. And, from the life experiences I have heard and read from other practicioners, I would dare to say that it could also be applicable.
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