Pleasure of pains 4
That night, I was in deep pains. I wanted to end myself. I was caught up in the Spider-webs of the stereotypical hypocritical conventional society and the system, with the people preying on me as spiders. What happens to a woman (Woo-Man) who shares her weaknesses with someone ? Nothing happens. People just try to take advantage of their vulnerable part. Yesterday someone asked me ‘How can you expose the vulnerable parts of you, yet be safe ? “ I said – “There’s a great advantage of being a broken soul or a broken person. A broken Soul is no longer afraid to be broken further. How much more can they can be broken ? They can’t . At the worst, the million little twisted broken pieces can turn into dust with the passage of time. The dust can be just blown away with a gush of wind. The wind will take them to a far away land, the land of dreams, which is far away from this brutal earthly materialistic world. Or they can be blown away to a better Hell or Heaven. So , there’s nothing to lose. There are only chances of gains . “
There was a ping from a doctor friend “How are you doing ? “ I straightaway asked “Can you provide me high dosages of Adrenaline ? “ The doctor replied “What’s the dosage ? “ He might have thought that I wanted the adrenaline for some of my insane microbiological experiments or something. I said “0.5mg IM . I need 20 vials and syringes “ . I’m quite sure that it did suddenly strike the doctor. He asked “And you need them for ? “ I said “To kill myself. If i inject an overdose of Adrenaline in my body, I’ll have a brain or a cardiac arrest. Since it is a hormone which is naturally secreted by the body, it will get dissolved in the body way too quickly after my death. No one will find traces of it. The post mortem reports will just show the fact that I had a sudden arrest or something. “
The doctor exclaimed ‘Nice way of suiciding. You are a microbiologist too. You know in and outs of medicals. But I being a psychiatrist, tell me what has happened ? I’m your friend too. Not only are we colleagues, but I’m also a friend of yours. Let’s meet and talk once, then you can carry on “ I knew that this will make me change my mind. I knew my emotions will get moulded again and i’ll be saved(so-called). Saving myself from a physical death is actually the death of my Soul. Emotions gets evolved only for one purpose- they help us live a little longer. My emotions of killing my physical self was actually a way of staying alive. My feedback mechanism tells me that something is either right or wrong for me. Staying alive was wrong for me at that instant. I wanted to free my soul from the most beautiful cage ever built on Earth, i.e. the human body. I wanted to get my Soul freed from my body. I was suffering from agoraphobia for the last few weeks. I could not get out of my apartment. It seemed as if something trapped me in my own body, in my own bed and in my own apartment. That was something. Something to die for. It was some kind of death. I was panicking on anything and everything. I was getting rapid panic attacks which included loss of breath. I could not breathe if i was turned down. One moment of a strike at my emotional psyche and i’ll be off my breaths. I’ll run out of breaths in such a way as if it felt that someone is strangling me to death. Someone is killing me. It felt aweful at that time. It was as if i was living a live nightmare. It was a dream where my psyche was playing with me in an inappropriate manner. It appeared mysterious to me, though rich in its contents and relations , and for the elucidation of which stern science, as it confesses itself, has contributed nothing beyond attempting, in entire opposition to popular sentiment to deny the substance and significance of the object. The object here is me. In this world full of probabilities, permutations, combinations and possibilities, I find myself to be objectified. I’m a Object of love, lust or Art. Let’s frankly admit that apparently I cannot avoid the fantasy in my attempts to elucidate a dream.
In cases of convalescence from insanity, it is often especially obvious that, while the functions of the day are normal, the dream may still belong to the psychosis. It is said that the one who pays attention to such cases gives account of a maniac who , a week after her complete recovery again experienced in dreams the flight of ideas and the passionate impulses of diseases. I am a maniac for sure. I won’t blame my life and ecosystem who made me a artistic psycho and maniac. I’m a psycho in the eyes of the stereotypical hypocritical conventional system and the society. I find many people like me who are afraid to come out from the dark, who hides inside. They are afraid to open up their hearts and soul for the fear of judgement by the people. The fear of being black tagged for their own desires makes them survive like a malice. They can’t live life. They just try and survive. There is a huge difference between surviving and living. Its so aweful to see such people who dies a million death before their physical death themselves. I try to help them in all ways. Then, i fell sick. I fell sick and tired. How much can a WoMan fight on her own ? She can’t fight a huge battle all by herself , which continues for days and nights, that too without food, water and medicines. If I would have had someone to return to in the evening who would tender to my wounds, I guess i could have fought millions of battles all on my own. The only cure to my wounds is LOVE. Love is an abstract word. People often utters it and adds no meaning to it. It is as if those words are empty and shallow words, shallow enough to fall in the never-ending abyss of cholic pains. The Abyss to the valley of life never ends. I know after death, it wont end too. The Karmic cycle of Life, Deaths and re-incarnations will be cycled and recycled. Its something intangible. People may contradict on the part as to what is the proof of the existence of the supernatural realm out of this conventional world ? Well, i have experienced that also. I have got many supernatural experiences . I witnessed the real magic of the Almighty, the Angels, Demons, Succubuses, Incubusses , Reincarnation, etc. Well i saw my own sister reincarnated. She died in my arms , closed her eyes saying that she’ll come back. After a year, she came back and now the 6 year old kid can still talk about her past life. Its something to converse with her.
So I have created my own niche, filled with my own fantasies. I created my own DreamWorld in this brutal Hell. My DreamWorld is my own niche where i live and it is open to all who are the odd-one outs like me. Its nice. While living this World of fantasies, I got tired. I grew agoraphobiac once. There was no way out except killing this body of mine.
The doctor was amazed as to what shall he do ? He somehow convinced me to meet him. I told him- “I cant go out. I’m suffering from something. Only killing myself will help. I wanted to be at ease. Then later came a point where i cant cure myself. I bet you wont be able to cure me as well. Don’t please jump into a suicide-mission. Let me do the suicide”
He said – “Surely I’ll let you do the suicide . I won’t ever come in between your decisions. Its your life. Its your will. You can do whatever you want to with it. You went through Hell, still you did it all. You still have the courage to shine in any and every aspect. Euthanasia is illegal in India, otherwise I would have helped you with that. Let’s just meet once. Let’s talk. I promise I’ll help you with the adrenalines after that. “
I said “I know you wont . See i’m trapped in a very bad way. I cant get out of my apartment. If i go out, i’ll feel even more ill. You’ll have to take all the responsibilities. So just deliver me the vials . that will do it. “
Doctor –“Ok. Let me come to your apartment then “
i- “Doctor, you cant come to my apartment. After my death, you will surely be caught in the CCTVs of my residential complex. This has to be done discreetly. The only problem is that on walking out, i am becoming breathless. I cant step out. I’m falling short of oxygen. If you come here, all the troubles will fall on you and i don’t want that . “
Doctor – “What to do then ? You tell me. I’ll do anything and everything for you. I’m there with you “
I- “Doctor, there’s a mall, which is 5 minutes walk from my apartment. I can be there. You meet me there and take me anywhere. I just want to die peacefully without leaving any traces of me. No one will know where i disappeared “
Doctor – “I’ll protect you. Tell me what to do ? What are your plans before and after your death . “
i- “See , I just want to transfer all my stuffs back to my dad’s bungalow. I’ll tell you where all the stuffs are kept. I’ll just come with my phone to contact you. On meeting you I’ll dispose the phone. The keys of my apartment will be hidden inside my vagina. I’ll give you a pull-proof plan as to what has to be done , how to carry this out without getting your name involved in it. You just need to take me to a safe place , from where you can dispose off my dead body “
Doctor – “See, in this meeting, I wont be carrying any vials. We will talk. Then we will see how to execute the plan .”
i- “Doctor, you are having no idea. I cant return if i step out. In that case, you need to get me to a place of yours, where no one can find me. I need to be there . I cant return to my apartment. I will be caught up in that same spider web even more, if i return “
Doctor – “Ok. I’ll keep you in a discreet place. No worries. My only condition is you’ll have to talk to me before i give you your adrenaline shots. Can you promise me on that ? “
i- “Yes sure Doctor. I just want to vanish. I don’t want anyone to know where did i go . Life is so much of Hell . “
Doctor – “Ok. Come. Tell me the place . We will meet and carry on. I have known you since ages immemorial. You won’t talk like this until and unless there’s a situation. I’m sure its more than Hell . “
i- “Yes it is. I will tell you when we meet . “
Doctor – “See you. “
That evening i felt so relieved. Finally i will be freed from the clutches of brutal realities. Its nice. It was like the clouds freeing up, settling at the top of the mountains. It was something. I went to see the doctor . I was anticipating so much. But deep down i knew that this was not the end that i was looking forward to. I knew he would just cure me up. But there was still a hope, a hope to get me a real dungeon. I wanted to be in that real dungeon . I wanted to dedicate my life to someone , someone special. He would have been a man to whom I’ll not only surrender my body to be used, but my Soul too. I wished to die in his dungeon someday , enduring all the punishments that he gave me. I wanted my body to be a quick sand where someone’s pains could sink in. I felt so trapped, so dead. I could not feel a thing in my body. It was as if i’m a zombie, a living zombie with no feelings in my body. Only pains, physical pains made me feel something. It made me feel alive. After all the incidents that happened, I felt so lost. I felt so much lost in me, as if i lost myself in my own Abyss. I lost myself so much. It was as if I lost my own Soul somewhere and my body was left lifeless, drained of its life. It was so sadistic of me, back then. Even when i recaptulate about that night, that lost evening, i laugh at myself.
Today as i write this, I’m smiling at my fate. I have got such nice friends who are more than angels to me. Everday i get introduced to new angels, who are there to cure me and take me out from my situations. They not only do it for me, but they do it for others too. It takes a lot to be that way. The Love of my Life is having a retreat now, a spiritual retreat. He told me “ Here, the people work day and night, without sleep. Yet they stand all the time to greet people with folded hands. People always give suggestions and advices to others as to how to live life, and here these people just show how to live life, that too for free. “ I said “It takes a lot for a person to be like that. It takes lots of Sadhanas and Tapassyas to get converted from a mere mortal to a spiritual being, that too when they are in their mortal body. I did so much for everyone. I saw many. I know many people who does this and its awesome to see so . Enjoy the retreat sweetheart. You really needed this space. “ I was smiling at myself. He wanted me to be there too but I do want him to focus on him too. I’m a damaged person who can die any instant and he, he is such a nice person. He has been focussing on me only, for the past few years. I could see him suffering, yet he won’t utter a single thing. He will always be there for me, both physically and mentally. The best part is that he is focussed on repairing my Soul than curing my diseases. He says that there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s all in my mind. I did so much for others. I have been a sacrificial lamb for others. I have sacrificed myself to see a smile on someone’s space. I’m not basting, few days back I met a Western astrologer. She could say all about me. It was fascinating to see her talking about my past life events than her predicting my future. There is something weird about all of these spiritual angels i met. No one really said anything about my future. She also said that my own Karmas will find me. I must walk. I have been walking in Hell. I never knew when i crossed my Hell and entered my own Heaven. That night, I was rescued. I got rescued again to help others. Probably i’ll write about the exact events of my rescue in my next Journal Entry. Stay tuned. Till then let’s enjoy the PLEASURE OF PAINS..
That night, I was in deep pains. I wanted to end myself. I was caught up in the Spider-webs of the stereotypical hypocritical conventional society and the system, with the people preying on me as spiders. What happens to a woman (Woo-Man) who shares her weaknesses with someone ? Nothing happens. People just try to take advantage of their vulnerable part. Yesterday someone asked me ‘How can you expose the vulnerable parts of you, yet be safe ? “ I said – “There’s a great advantage of being a broken soul or a broken person. A broken Soul is no longer afraid to be broken further. How much more can they can be broken ? They can’t . At the worst, the million little twisted broken pieces can turn into dust with the passage of time. The dust can be just blown away with a gush of wind. The wind will take them to a far away land, the land of dreams, which is far away from this brutal earthly materialistic world. Or they can be blown away to a better Hell or Heaven. So , there’s nothing to lose. There are only chances of gains . “
There was a ping from a doctor friend “How are you doing ? “ I straightaway asked “Can you provide me high dosages of Adrenaline ? “ The doctor replied “What’s the dosage ? “ He might have thought that I wanted the adrenaline for some of my insane microbiological experiments or something. I said “0.5mg IM . I need 20 vials and syringes “ . I’m quite sure that it did suddenly strike the doctor. He asked “And you need them for ? “ I said “To kill myself. If i inject an overdose of Adrenaline in my body, I’ll have a brain or a cardiac arrest. Since it is a hormone which is naturally secreted by the body, it will get dissolved in the body way too quickly after my death. No one will find traces of it. The post mortem reports will just show the fact that I had a sudden arrest or something. “
The doctor exclaimed ‘Nice way of suiciding. You are a microbiologist too. You know in and outs of medicals. But I being a psychiatrist, tell me what has happened ? I’m your friend too. Not only are we colleagues, but I’m also a friend of yours. Let’s meet and talk once, then you can carry on “ I knew that this will make me change my mind. I knew my emotions will get moulded again and i’ll be saved(so-called). Saving myself from a physical death is actually the death of my Soul. Emotions gets evolved only for one purpose- they help us live a little longer. My emotions of killing my physical self was actually a way of staying alive. My feedback mechanism tells me that something is either right or wrong for me. Staying alive was wrong for me at that instant. I wanted to free my soul from the most beautiful cage ever built on Earth, i.e. the human body. I wanted to get my Soul freed from my body. I was suffering from agoraphobia for the last few weeks. I could not get out of my apartment. It seemed as if something trapped me in my own body, in my own bed and in my own apartment. That was something. Something to die for. It was some kind of death. I was panicking on anything and everything. I was getting rapid panic attacks which included loss of breath. I could not breathe if i was turned down. One moment of a strike at my emotional psyche and i’ll be off my breaths. I’ll run out of breaths in such a way as if it felt that someone is strangling me to death. Someone is killing me. It felt aweful at that time. It was as if i was living a live nightmare. It was a dream where my psyche was playing with me in an inappropriate manner. It appeared mysterious to me, though rich in its contents and relations , and for the elucidation of which stern science, as it confesses itself, has contributed nothing beyond attempting, in entire opposition to popular sentiment to deny the substance and significance of the object. The object here is me. In this world full of probabilities, permutations, combinations and possibilities, I find myself to be objectified. I’m a Object of love, lust or Art. Let’s frankly admit that apparently I cannot avoid the fantasy in my attempts to elucidate a dream.
In cases of convalescence from insanity, it is often especially obvious that, while the functions of the day are normal, the dream may still belong to the psychosis. It is said that the one who pays attention to such cases gives account of a maniac who , a week after her complete recovery again experienced in dreams the flight of ideas and the passionate impulses of diseases. I am a maniac for sure. I won’t blame my life and ecosystem who made me a artistic psycho and maniac. I’m a psycho in the eyes of the stereotypical hypocritical conventional system and the society. I find many people like me who are afraid to come out from the dark, who hides inside. They are afraid to open up their hearts and soul for the fear of judgement by the people. The fear of being black tagged for their own desires makes them survive like a malice. They can’t live life. They just try and survive. There is a huge difference between surviving and living. Its so aweful to see such people who dies a million death before their physical death themselves. I try to help them in all ways. Then, i fell sick. I fell sick and tired. How much can a WoMan fight on her own ? She can’t fight a huge battle all by herself , which continues for days and nights, that too without food, water and medicines. If I would have had someone to return to in the evening who would tender to my wounds, I guess i could have fought millions of battles all on my own. The only cure to my wounds is LOVE. Love is an abstract word. People often utters it and adds no meaning to it. It is as if those words are empty and shallow words, shallow enough to fall in the never-ending abyss of cholic pains. The Abyss to the valley of life never ends. I know after death, it wont end too. The Karmic cycle of Life, Deaths and re-incarnations will be cycled and recycled. Its something intangible. People may contradict on the part as to what is the proof of the existence of the supernatural realm out of this conventional world ? Well, i have experienced that also. I have got many supernatural experiences . I witnessed the real magic of the Almighty, the Angels, Demons, Succubuses, Incubusses , Reincarnation, etc. Well i saw my own sister reincarnated. She died in my arms , closed her eyes saying that she’ll come back. After a year, she came back and now the 6 year old kid can still talk about her past life. Its something to converse with her.
So I have created my own niche, filled with my own fantasies. I created my own DreamWorld in this brutal Hell. My DreamWorld is my own niche where i live and it is open to all who are the odd-one outs like me. Its nice. While living this World of fantasies, I got tired. I grew agoraphobiac once. There was no way out except killing this body of mine.
The doctor was amazed as to what shall he do ? He somehow convinced me to meet him. I told him- “I cant go out. I’m suffering from something. Only killing myself will help. I wanted to be at ease. Then later came a point where i cant cure myself. I bet you wont be able to cure me as well. Don’t please jump into a suicide-mission. Let me do the suicide”
He said – “Surely I’ll let you do the suicide . I won’t ever come in between your decisions. Its your life. Its your will. You can do whatever you want to with it. You went through Hell, still you did it all. You still have the courage to shine in any and every aspect. Euthanasia is illegal in India, otherwise I would have helped you with that. Let’s just meet once. Let’s talk. I promise I’ll help you with the adrenalines after that. “
I said “I know you wont . See i’m trapped in a very bad way. I cant get out of my apartment. If i go out, i’ll feel even more ill. You’ll have to take all the responsibilities. So just deliver me the vials . that will do it. “
Doctor –“Ok. Let me come to your apartment then “
i- “Doctor, you cant come to my apartment. After my death, you will surely be caught in the CCTVs of my residential complex. This has to be done discreetly. The only problem is that on walking out, i am becoming breathless. I cant step out. I’m falling short of oxygen. If you come here, all the troubles will fall on you and i don’t want that . “
Doctor – “What to do then ? You tell me. I’ll do anything and everything for you. I’m there with you “
I- “Doctor, there’s a mall, which is 5 minutes walk from my apartment. I can be there. You meet me there and take me anywhere. I just want to die peacefully without leaving any traces of me. No one will know where i disappeared “
Doctor – “I’ll protect you. Tell me what to do ? What are your plans before and after your death . “
i- “See , I just want to transfer all my stuffs back to my dad’s bungalow. I’ll tell you where all the stuffs are kept. I’ll just come with my phone to contact you. On meeting you I’ll dispose the phone. The keys of my apartment will be hidden inside my vagina. I’ll give you a pull-proof plan as to what has to be done , how to carry this out without getting your name involved in it. You just need to take me to a safe place , from where you can dispose off my dead body “
Doctor – “See, in this meeting, I wont be carrying any vials. We will talk. Then we will see how to execute the plan .”
i- “Doctor, you are having no idea. I cant return if i step out. In that case, you need to get me to a place of yours, where no one can find me. I need to be there . I cant return to my apartment. I will be caught up in that same spider web even more, if i return “
Doctor – “Ok. I’ll keep you in a discreet place. No worries. My only condition is you’ll have to talk to me before i give you your adrenaline shots. Can you promise me on that ? “
i- “Yes sure Doctor. I just want to vanish. I don’t want anyone to know where did i go . Life is so much of Hell . “
Doctor – “Ok. Come. Tell me the place . We will meet and carry on. I have known you since ages immemorial. You won’t talk like this until and unless there’s a situation. I’m sure its more than Hell . “
i- “Yes it is. I will tell you when we meet . “
Doctor – “See you. “
That evening i felt so relieved. Finally i will be freed from the clutches of brutal realities. Its nice. It was like the clouds freeing up, settling at the top of the mountains. It was something. I went to see the doctor . I was anticipating so much. But deep down i knew that this was not the end that i was looking forward to. I knew he would just cure me up. But there was still a hope, a hope to get me a real dungeon. I wanted to be in that real dungeon . I wanted to dedicate my life to someone , someone special. He would have been a man to whom I’ll not only surrender my body to be used, but my Soul too. I wished to die in his dungeon someday , enduring all the punishments that he gave me. I wanted my body to be a quick sand where someone’s pains could sink in. I felt so trapped, so dead. I could not feel a thing in my body. It was as if i’m a zombie, a living zombie with no feelings in my body. Only pains, physical pains made me feel something. It made me feel alive. After all the incidents that happened, I felt so lost. I felt so much lost in me, as if i lost myself in my own Abyss. I lost myself so much. It was as if I lost my own Soul somewhere and my body was left lifeless, drained of its life. It was so sadistic of me, back then. Even when i recaptulate about that night, that lost evening, i laugh at myself.
Today as i write this, I’m smiling at my fate. I have got such nice friends who are more than angels to me. Everday i get introduced to new angels, who are there to cure me and take me out from my situations. They not only do it for me, but they do it for others too. It takes a lot to be that way. The Love of my Life is having a retreat now, a spiritual retreat. He told me “ Here, the people work day and night, without sleep. Yet they stand all the time to greet people with folded hands. People always give suggestions and advices to others as to how to live life, and here these people just show how to live life, that too for free. “ I said “It takes a lot for a person to be like that. It takes lots of Sadhanas and Tapassyas to get converted from a mere mortal to a spiritual being, that too when they are in their mortal body. I did so much for everyone. I saw many. I know many people who does this and its awesome to see so . Enjoy the retreat sweetheart. You really needed this space. “ I was smiling at myself. He wanted me to be there too but I do want him to focus on him too. I’m a damaged person who can die any instant and he, he is such a nice person. He has been focussing on me only, for the past few years. I could see him suffering, yet he won’t utter a single thing. He will always be there for me, both physically and mentally. The best part is that he is focussed on repairing my Soul than curing my diseases. He says that there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s all in my mind. I did so much for others. I have been a sacrificial lamb for others. I have sacrificed myself to see a smile on someone’s space. I’m not basting, few days back I met a Western astrologer. She could say all about me. It was fascinating to see her talking about my past life events than her predicting my future. There is something weird about all of these spiritual angels i met. No one really said anything about my future. She also said that my own Karmas will find me. I must walk. I have been walking in Hell. I never knew when i crossed my Hell and entered my own Heaven. That night, I was rescued. I got rescued again to help others. Probably i’ll write about the exact events of my rescue in my next Journal Entry. Stay tuned. Till then let’s enjoy the PLEASURE OF PAINS..
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