The Pleasure of Pains Journal Entry 1
A jolly girl gets raped at the age of 12. The rape seemed more of shadowed rituals and tortures. She doesn’t remember it much. She’s just left with few glimpses. All that she remembers vividly was that she was left bleeding amidst a vast riverside where she was hypnotised by evil and was taken. When she regained her senses she was at her home. Her parents convinced her that it was a dream. She just fell in the bushes near the riverside and got hurt. The family tried to cover the whole story up, the obvious reasons being the social issues. After that she built a wall around herself and didn’t have any friends. She never wanted an intruder to hurt her again. She wanted to be strong enough to fight all the evils. A guy saw the pain in her eyes and wanted to ease it
.So he offered a hand of friendship to her . She was too weak too, but was totally concentrating on Her Gurukul studies . She ignored or rather never observed the hands of friendship that the guy always offered her. The guy did the same for seven more years in the same Gurukul that both of them studied. He wanted to wipe her tears which she never shared with anyone. Gurukul was over. Everyone went home. At the age of 21, the girl meets the guy again and fell in love. All that she remembered about him was that they studied in Gurukul together. She thought she could trust this man for she saw him since childhood. The girl had an early breakup. She was used for “con- consentual” sex and her ex treated her like a sex toy. The final words of her ex were- "Anything can be done with a girlfriend”. And that was their last moment. She thought this man wouldn't do the same to her . She remembered some moments when the guy used to stare at her during the whole day in Gurukul. They spends some time together and the girl proposes him. The guy accepts and their relationship starts. They weds according to Gandharva Dharma and starts living together. Both of them loved each other. For the girl it was beautiful but it soon turns out to be something else for the guy. The guy waited for such a long time just to wipe her tears but when he gets her he can’t forget those sleepless nights of pains which he spent thinking of the ways to reduce her pain. Long waits did take no time to convert itself in a “ never-ending abyss of cholic pains”. The guy's heart broke when all the students left Gurukul and she did not even say a goodbye to him. He was pained with his failure of gaining her mere friendship. But an unfulfilled moment is a word for the future heavenly moment. The guy did move on. Got involved with many girls but no one could quench his desire, the desire of love which he wanted from his dream girl. Everytime he made love to her he remembered his pains of the past. Everytime she did something good he abused and insulted her. Soon it turned out to be painful for her as well. She finds out that he enjoys the pains that he inflicts on her. A part of his mind wanted a revenge from her, to make her go through the same pains that he went through, another part also protected and loved her dearly. One day she proposes him to do BDSM on her. She submits herself to the bondage of his love and requests to shed off his pains and frustrations by hurting and torturing her physically. He rejects but she makes him understand that physical pains are much better than mental ones. Physical injuries can get healed within days, months or years but mental pains remains forever, as long as we live. He agrees and starts torturing her by binding her up and injuring her physically to such an extent that it doesn’t cause a lifetime damage. He beats her then carresses her wounds with love making. He feels better by the fulfillment of both parts of his desire at the same time. In the beginning she tries to be happy with his happiness but a question strikes her as to what she had done that he's so furious at her? She was the reason for his heartbreak and she was ready to pay the price for it. She went on enduring the BDSM kind of sadistic obssessed love that they made every night. The guilt that was on her shoulders and she was the reason for her husband's mental breakdown . That was killing her and eating her up from inside. With every strikes of his wrath on her body she questioned herself as to what she had done to deserve this. The worst part was that she found no answers. She wanted to pay the price for her husband's heartbreak so she went on enduring whatever he did to her . She could not accept his combination of rage and love. So she made it her addiction. Without the pains and wounds on her body she could not breathe. She wants to find out the reason for this kind of strange love. So she joins the Kamasutra classes of Lord Vatsayana. It is a myth that Lord Shiva discovered the ways of loving his soulmate when he was left alone after Sati's death. Shiva used to spend every moment of his life thinking about how to show his love to his soulmate when she is reincarnated . The ways were propagated by his followers and Vatsayana gathered the ultimate wisdom of love making and union of souls through physical expressions. He studied couples making love , their responses , their relationships , their effects of love making in relationship. He also acted as a relationship counsellor not only to know about their ways of love expressions , their effects , problems caused and the relationship of love-making of souls to complete the cycle of births and attain moksha but he also acted to solve their problems. She hears of this man and goes to him for help. She wanted to have her void fulfilled, the void created by her desire of love. Her husband's wrath made her share her body with him but not her mind and soul. She was fulfilling him up but there was no one to fulfill her. She was so empty , broken and lonely from the inside. Vatsayana had an assistant who was a she-male. A she-male has the “Sadashiva” or “Ardhanarishvara” in him/her- the combination of Shiva and Shakti in its body. When she went to Vatsayana and narrated her life the assistant listened intently . Vatsayana could not give any solutions at that moment. So he prescribed her to join the classes that he gave everyday and spend some time in his ashram. She agreed and went on in the classes. She felt a lot better in there. She made friends whom she could laugh with. She attained the wisdom of love. She spoke about her feelings and life to Vatsayana and the transgender assistant . The “Great Lord of Love” told her to make friends in the Gurukul whom she can trust and share her feelings. He suggested to increase the number of friends whom she can open up to. She had been an introvert always and her life revolved around only her husband and the ambition to pay the price for her unintentional mistake made in the past. She considered it to be a sin infact. Breaking some one's heart who loves her so much is more than a sin. She wanted to dedicate her life to do a “prashrataap” for the “paap” she had done. The first
person she could trust was the assistant. She shared her feelings with that person. She seemed to narrate stories where women had to sacrifice for her man. She explained that women chose to give birth to a child. She chose the labour pain , the pain of creating a life in her body , the pain of menstrual cycles every month for keeping her man out of the pain. It has become the dharma of a woman to do this but the desire remains. The desire to be loved , the desire to be caressed , the desire to share herself with someone both mentally and physically and attain the heavenly feeling of meeting someone whom you can bare your soul to , with whom “forever” is just a beginning. She learns about the art and philosophy of making love to many people at the same time (called group sex or orgies), lesbianism( the form of love between two women), and gay-ism which is the vice-versa of lesbianism without hurting anyone's emotions. Vatsayana propagated the concept of “gender-fluidity” . She was discussing lesbianism with her newly made friend . She went so deep into the topic and was so insanely charmed by the beauty of such a form of “Ardhanariswara” that they got intimate. On the intimacy and physical love she gains huge happiness and pleasure. A person who has got both the female and the male part in his/her body can understand the relation of sex and soul-mating, for the two halves of that person is always in constant copulation with each other. Due to this their Kundalini is awakened which gives them the natural wisdom of love-making and souls. The dont need to find their soulmates and make love to attain moksha and be in heaven. They are God's own messengers to cleanse the society of the evil by providing humankind the knowledge that they need. They started making love and sharing their bodies. When she gains a person with whom she can share her everything and is loved back, she gains a strange confidence and develops a hope to live her own private life. She discusses it with Vatsayana and he says her that she needed this kind of a person to be for her. That was the only solution to her life. She starts enjoying the pains even given by her husband every night. Her soul was cleansed and her desires fulfilled with her new mate. Her husband starts noticing that she remained mentally calm n serene and seemed to be less affected by his pains. He gets agitated and starts her torturing mentally again along with the physical tortures. She withstands that too. She overcomes that and happily accepts all that is done to her. Her husband tells her that he'll have to travel for some reason . He goes out but follows his wife to Vatsayana's ashram. He sees her happily mingling with people and later make love to her mate. This site shatters him. He thinks that if she can do this he can do the same. He wanted to let her go through this pain as well. He tries to have sex with two girls but fails. Whenever he made a move, he got reminded of the moments that they spent. She spent her life accepting his rage and anger. He comes home and tells his wife about the physical intimacies he did perform. He had a wish to pain her and also prayed to God that the pain must not shatter her. She smiled and said- "If you are happy being with other women you can". This continued. He tried to be with other women but he failed each time. He saw his wife perfectly happy. One day he abused her and did beat her so much that she was reminded of her childhood rape. He tortured her vagina, cut her clitoris, damaged her uterus and was left bleeding. He left her like that. The next day when the assistant noticed her absence he/she ran to her home and found her totally in a miserable condition. She/he finds a letter in which the husband wrote that he’s leaving his wife and before doing so he punished her for her sins. He damaged her uterus and cut her clitoris so that she cant bear a baby and attain the blessing of being a complete woman. She/he takes her to the ashram and is kept is strict medication . She regains her senses after days and cries and breaks down completely after his husband's leaving and the thought of not being able to be a mother broke her into a million little twisted pieces. Since she was addicted to the pains, she cried and requested every night to be beaten up. Vatsayana himself could not see her pain neither could anyone in the ashram. Vatsayana made love to her sometimes. And her mate was always with her, to hear her scream, to hug her when she wanted pain, to wipe her tears when she cried. But she couldn't cure her up all by herself. Vatsayana made love to her in the way she wanted. He made light BDSm with her so as not to hurt her. Slowly the addiction faded.. Now she is normal , healthier but her heart is broken. Her husband was an integral part of her life and after her neverending attempt to give him happiness, he left her. She started talking now to some people. She becomes more interested in women now for she feels she'll have to go through it again if she shares herself with a man. She made love to her mate and two ther women in the ashram. When her pains exceeded she went to Vatsayana for making her remember her husband. Only Vatsayana knew the way to make her go through pains without causing any damage. No one had the wisdom to ease her pain. After 5 years of this, the husband returns to Vatsayana's ashram. Seeing him coming she embraces him n cries and says that she missed him. Seeing this gesture of her he understands that he was selfish enough to take revenges on her though she had no mistake in it. Anyone undergoing such a disastrous rape will suffer from such a breakdown. He apologised and accepts all parts of her. They live together sometimes inflicting pains, sometimes making love, sometimes sharing themselves and sometimes crying , crying for the distance and the never-recoverable damage he had done to her. Their ansh(sex cells) cant unite to create another beautiful being. Now she goes to the ashram , makes love with her mate, her two women friends and even some males. She comes back and can share them to her husband. He doesnt have a wrath any more. He accepts her with all her soulmates and realises that shes his only soulmate.
.So he offered a hand of friendship to her . She was too weak too, but was totally concentrating on Her Gurukul studies . She ignored or rather never observed the hands of friendship that the guy always offered her. The guy did the same for seven more years in the same Gurukul that both of them studied. He wanted to wipe her tears which she never shared with anyone. Gurukul was over. Everyone went home. At the age of 21, the girl meets the guy again and fell in love. All that she remembered about him was that they studied in Gurukul together. She thought she could trust this man for she saw him since childhood. The girl had an early breakup. She was used for “con- consentual” sex and her ex treated her like a sex toy. The final words of her ex were- "Anything can be done with a girlfriend”. And that was their last moment. She thought this man wouldn't do the same to her . She remembered some moments when the guy used to stare at her during the whole day in Gurukul. They spends some time together and the girl proposes him. The guy accepts and their relationship starts. They weds according to Gandharva Dharma and starts living together. Both of them loved each other. For the girl it was beautiful but it soon turns out to be something else for the guy. The guy waited for such a long time just to wipe her tears but when he gets her he can’t forget those sleepless nights of pains which he spent thinking of the ways to reduce her pain. Long waits did take no time to convert itself in a “ never-ending abyss of cholic pains”. The guy's heart broke when all the students left Gurukul and she did not even say a goodbye to him. He was pained with his failure of gaining her mere friendship. But an unfulfilled moment is a word for the future heavenly moment. The guy did move on. Got involved with many girls but no one could quench his desire, the desire of love which he wanted from his dream girl. Everytime he made love to her he remembered his pains of the past. Everytime she did something good he abused and insulted her. Soon it turned out to be painful for her as well. She finds out that he enjoys the pains that he inflicts on her. A part of his mind wanted a revenge from her, to make her go through the same pains that he went through, another part also protected and loved her dearly. One day she proposes him to do BDSM on her. She submits herself to the bondage of his love and requests to shed off his pains and frustrations by hurting and torturing her physically. He rejects but she makes him understand that physical pains are much better than mental ones. Physical injuries can get healed within days, months or years but mental pains remains forever, as long as we live. He agrees and starts torturing her by binding her up and injuring her physically to such an extent that it doesn’t cause a lifetime damage. He beats her then carresses her wounds with love making. He feels better by the fulfillment of both parts of his desire at the same time. In the beginning she tries to be happy with his happiness but a question strikes her as to what she had done that he's so furious at her? She was the reason for his heartbreak and she was ready to pay the price for it. She went on enduring the BDSM kind of sadistic obssessed love that they made every night. The guilt that was on her shoulders and she was the reason for her husband's mental breakdown . That was killing her and eating her up from inside. With every strikes of his wrath on her body she questioned herself as to what she had done to deserve this. The worst part was that she found no answers. She wanted to pay the price for her husband's heartbreak so she went on enduring whatever he did to her . She could not accept his combination of rage and love. So she made it her addiction. Without the pains and wounds on her body she could not breathe. She wants to find out the reason for this kind of strange love. So she joins the Kamasutra classes of Lord Vatsayana. It is a myth that Lord Shiva discovered the ways of loving his soulmate when he was left alone after Sati's death. Shiva used to spend every moment of his life thinking about how to show his love to his soulmate when she is reincarnated . The ways were propagated by his followers and Vatsayana gathered the ultimate wisdom of love making and union of souls through physical expressions. He studied couples making love , their responses , their relationships , their effects of love making in relationship. He also acted as a relationship counsellor not only to know about their ways of love expressions , their effects , problems caused and the relationship of love-making of souls to complete the cycle of births and attain moksha but he also acted to solve their problems. She hears of this man and goes to him for help. She wanted to have her void fulfilled, the void created by her desire of love. Her husband's wrath made her share her body with him but not her mind and soul. She was fulfilling him up but there was no one to fulfill her. She was so empty , broken and lonely from the inside. Vatsayana had an assistant who was a she-male. A she-male has the “Sadashiva” or “Ardhanarishvara” in him/her- the combination of Shiva and Shakti in its body. When she went to Vatsayana and narrated her life the assistant listened intently . Vatsayana could not give any solutions at that moment. So he prescribed her to join the classes that he gave everyday and spend some time in his ashram. She agreed and went on in the classes. She felt a lot better in there. She made friends whom she could laugh with. She attained the wisdom of love. She spoke about her feelings and life to Vatsayana and the transgender assistant . The “Great Lord of Love” told her to make friends in the Gurukul whom she can trust and share her feelings. He suggested to increase the number of friends whom she can open up to. She had been an introvert always and her life revolved around only her husband and the ambition to pay the price for her unintentional mistake made in the past. She considered it to be a sin infact. Breaking some one's heart who loves her so much is more than a sin. She wanted to dedicate her life to do a “prashrataap” for the “paap” she had done. The first
person she could trust was the assistant. She shared her feelings with that person. She seemed to narrate stories where women had to sacrifice for her man. She explained that women chose to give birth to a child. She chose the labour pain , the pain of creating a life in her body , the pain of menstrual cycles every month for keeping her man out of the pain. It has become the dharma of a woman to do this but the desire remains. The desire to be loved , the desire to be caressed , the desire to share herself with someone both mentally and physically and attain the heavenly feeling of meeting someone whom you can bare your soul to , with whom “forever” is just a beginning. She learns about the art and philosophy of making love to many people at the same time (called group sex or orgies), lesbianism( the form of love between two women), and gay-ism which is the vice-versa of lesbianism without hurting anyone's emotions. Vatsayana propagated the concept of “gender-fluidity” . She was discussing lesbianism with her newly made friend . She went so deep into the topic and was so insanely charmed by the beauty of such a form of “Ardhanariswara” that they got intimate. On the intimacy and physical love she gains huge happiness and pleasure. A person who has got both the female and the male part in his/her body can understand the relation of sex and soul-mating, for the two halves of that person is always in constant copulation with each other. Due to this their Kundalini is awakened which gives them the natural wisdom of love-making and souls. The dont need to find their soulmates and make love to attain moksha and be in heaven. They are God's own messengers to cleanse the society of the evil by providing humankind the knowledge that they need. They started making love and sharing their bodies. When she gains a person with whom she can share her everything and is loved back, she gains a strange confidence and develops a hope to live her own private life. She discusses it with Vatsayana and he says her that she needed this kind of a person to be for her. That was the only solution to her life. She starts enjoying the pains even given by her husband every night. Her soul was cleansed and her desires fulfilled with her new mate. Her husband starts noticing that she remained mentally calm n serene and seemed to be less affected by his pains. He gets agitated and starts her torturing mentally again along with the physical tortures. She withstands that too. She overcomes that and happily accepts all that is done to her. Her husband tells her that he'll have to travel for some reason . He goes out but follows his wife to Vatsayana's ashram. He sees her happily mingling with people and later make love to her mate. This site shatters him. He thinks that if she can do this he can do the same. He wanted to let her go through this pain as well. He tries to have sex with two girls but fails. Whenever he made a move, he got reminded of the moments that they spent. She spent her life accepting his rage and anger. He comes home and tells his wife about the physical intimacies he did perform. He had a wish to pain her and also prayed to God that the pain must not shatter her. She smiled and said- "If you are happy being with other women you can". This continued. He tried to be with other women but he failed each time. He saw his wife perfectly happy. One day he abused her and did beat her so much that she was reminded of her childhood rape. He tortured her vagina, cut her clitoris, damaged her uterus and was left bleeding. He left her like that. The next day when the assistant noticed her absence he/she ran to her home and found her totally in a miserable condition. She/he finds a letter in which the husband wrote that he’s leaving his wife and before doing so he punished her for her sins. He damaged her uterus and cut her clitoris so that she cant bear a baby and attain the blessing of being a complete woman. She/he takes her to the ashram and is kept is strict medication . She regains her senses after days and cries and breaks down completely after his husband's leaving and the thought of not being able to be a mother broke her into a million little twisted pieces. Since she was addicted to the pains, she cried and requested every night to be beaten up. Vatsayana himself could not see her pain neither could anyone in the ashram. Vatsayana made love to her sometimes. And her mate was always with her, to hear her scream, to hug her when she wanted pain, to wipe her tears when she cried. But she couldn't cure her up all by herself. Vatsayana made love to her in the way she wanted. He made light BDSm with her so as not to hurt her. Slowly the addiction faded.. Now she is normal , healthier but her heart is broken. Her husband was an integral part of her life and after her neverending attempt to give him happiness, he left her. She started talking now to some people. She becomes more interested in women now for she feels she'll have to go through it again if she shares herself with a man. She made love to her mate and two ther women in the ashram. When her pains exceeded she went to Vatsayana for making her remember her husband. Only Vatsayana knew the way to make her go through pains without causing any damage. No one had the wisdom to ease her pain. After 5 years of this, the husband returns to Vatsayana's ashram. Seeing him coming she embraces him n cries and says that she missed him. Seeing this gesture of her he understands that he was selfish enough to take revenges on her though she had no mistake in it. Anyone undergoing such a disastrous rape will suffer from such a breakdown. He apologised and accepts all parts of her. They live together sometimes inflicting pains, sometimes making love, sometimes sharing themselves and sometimes crying , crying for the distance and the never-recoverable damage he had done to her. Their ansh(sex cells) cant unite to create another beautiful being. Now she goes to the ashram , makes love with her mate, her two women friends and even some males. She comes back and can share them to her husband. He doesnt have a wrath any more. He accepts her with all her soulmates and realises that shes his only soulmate.
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